Breathe Into Me

Beep. Beep. Beep. What’s that noise? I think groggily to myself. Beep. Beep. Beep. There it is again, what the hell is that? Groaning I open my eyes and greeted with nothing more than a bright light. “Seriously?” My voice comes out in a horse whisper. “Lovely.” I lick at my dry lips attempting to move again, but what an epic fail that was. Focusing my gaze I realized I was in an overly white room, and I mean it this room was to white for comfort. Beep. Beep. Beep. “What the hell is that?” This time my voice comes out slightly clearer and someone runs to the edge of my bed.

“Oh Kay you’re awake!” I see my mother’s frantic face above mine. “They said you would never wake up.” She lightly touched the side of my face as small crystal tears glided down her face.

“What happened?” I managed to say before my mother decided to run out the door. “Okay than, I guess not.” Once again I tried to move but became even more annoyed by the fact that I couldn’t. Actually now that I think about it I can’t feel anything. This wasn’t good; no in fact this was horrible. I tried to move my head to find it was still in the immobile stage as the rest of my body. Okay don’t panic. The thing is the more I told myself that the more I began to panic. The beeping followed right along with my heart beat until… well you guessed it until I became in this lovely state of what is it… limbo?

I crashed, and burned so to speak. Doctors and nurses rushed around me trying to start my heart once again. The thing is I really didn’t remember how I exactly ended up laying on that hard hospital mattress. I’d like to know just in case I actually did kick the bucket. The odd thing about being here in limbo is well I’m solid, but I’m not does that make sense? I can touch myself but not living breathing people. Oh how I envy those people.

My mother sat weeping in a brown leather chair across from my lifeless body. I watched as the machines breathed for me now. Was this going to be my life? Sitting here watching as my body withered away as I stood by its side? I reached down wondering if I could touch my corpse; as my hand went through my forehead flashes of memories stirred behind my eyes. Hungrily I watched hoping I could grasp hold of some mortality.

*----------------------------*--------------------------------*-----------------------------*---------------------------------*---*

“Come on we have seriously got to try this Kay!” Alec thrust his calloused hand towards me pulling me over the edge of the cliff. Looking down rushing water spewed from the other end of the mountain into the crystal clear ocean. The trick of cliff diving is to jump at the right moment or risk the chance of serious injury or death from hitting the sharp rocks below.  

“Remember our motto Kay.” I rolled my eyes and laughing slightly.

“Yes Alec, I do. Variety is the spice of life. Who could ever forget it babe?”  He shook his head just before leaning of and kissing the top of my head.

“See you at the bottom, I love you Kay.” It was always customary to say I love you just before jumping or doing something others would consider to be a bit to reckless for any normal human being to do.

“I love you to Alec.” I watched as he ran to the edge and jumped. Peeking over the edge I watched as he plummeted into the water in a perfect angelic like dive.  Taking in a deep breath I calmed my nerves and timed my dive. The thing is just as I was about to jump I slipped on a rock I didn’t see and twirled over the edge.

This was it; I was going to die right here right now.  I didn’t make a sound I just snapped my eyes shut as my body hit the water hard. My side and head collided with something sending sharp spasms throughout my water knocking the air out of me. I swallowed a mouth full of water just before my head broke the surface. Frantic shouts came from above and around me in the water. A faded image of Alec peered back at me as I tried to grasp hold of my consciousness. Black began to cloud my vision, and before I knew it I was out cold as ice.  

*----------------------------*--------------------------------*-----------------------------*---------------------------------*---*

Sighing I slumped down on the floor by my bed trying to figure out where Alec would be, and why he wasn’t there. Did something else happen that I wasn’t aware of? I know there was a lot of blood, but those waters aren’t known for a bunch of sharks either…. Or…. Oh no. I hunched over praying that it wasn’t true. It was shark season, when they started to come back into those particular areas for mating.

Cautiously I got up and made my way to where the front desk was. One of the nurses was clicking away at the mouse. Maybe it was a good thing I could go through things, because just as I walked through the desk I caught the glimpse of Alec’s name blinking on her screen. She bolted from her desk as I watched several of them run towards where his room would be.

Following in pursuit I stumbled upon a sight I didn’t want to see. Several nurses were around him and one was using this type of machine to shock him. I can’t recall the name. I caught the glimpse of something in the corner moving around in uneven circles.

“Alec?” From the waist down he was faded and once he heard his name his head popped up.

“Kay is that really you?” I rushed towards him taking his ghostly hand in mine. Sorrow was written all over his face as he took one of his hands from mine and caressed the side of my face. “Oh Kay, I can feel myself leaving. I thought… I thought you were dead.”

“But I’m not Alec! Fight this don’t leave me!” I moaned and pleaded with him, but the more I seemed to plead the faster he seemed to fade.

“I can’t Kay. It’s to late for me, but it isn’t for you. Stay alive. Stay here.” His ghostly lips pressed against mine as clear tears rolled down our cheeks. "I’ll see you on the other side Kay. I love you.” He faded within the instant and I collapsed into a moping heap on the floor.

“I can’t stay! I won’t stay! I can’t live without you!” I yelled into the ever dying air.

“Call it.” The doctor and nurses gazed up at the clock. “Seven forty-four in the morning.” They pulled the blood stained white sheet over his head.  Maybe he was right. Maybe I needed to stay and try to live my life. It hurt me, but me dying would only make things worse for everyone else.

Getting up from the floor my bare feet padded gently on the cold tile. Placing my hand just above his face I shook my head. “I love you Alec. I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything.” My body began to fade, closing my eyes I thought that I was dying till an odd tingling sensation flooded me. Opening them once again I was greeted to the same bright light and my mother’s relieved face.

Watch Me Fall

Dwindling fading and an eerie luminescence fills my darkening soul. Dirty snow lay beneath my scuffed up converse as I gaze at my reflection on the iced over river. Do I dare step onto its slick surface and sacrifice plunging into its razor sharp grasp or do I just turn away? I stood here just months ago when Lucas proposed to me. Tears roll down my cheeks in silent torment smearing my mascara down my face and I don’t want them to stop.
“Where are you now?” My breath comes out in puffs against the cool air as I talk to myself. “Will I find you again?” My voice cracks and I fall to my knees weeping. “Sometimes I still hear you calling for me from some distant place I can’t get to. I miss you so much.” Bringing my gloved hands to my eyes I cry harder trying to remember all the good times, all the thrills and all the sweet kisses we shared.
Flashes of the memories play behind my eyelids like tempting devils as I try to grasp a hold of what once was. I wrapped his bright orange jacket around myself hoping to feel him again. His inviting smile, warm hands, and welcoming arms; everything about him was gone. All that I am left with is his favorite orange jacket.
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
His laughter filled my ears as I slid down the snow covered hill and I couldn’t help but laugh too. Brushing the caked snow from my black jeans I caught from the corner of my eye him in his bright orange jacket sliding down right towards me. Of course he was aiming for me; he always enjoyed making me wipe out. He barreled right into me making me fall right on top of him.
“Why hello there Miss Kasha.” His smile spread across his face as I crunched up my face from his cute childishness. Taking a handful of snow I smashed it into his face wiping the smile from his face. “Hey now that’s not fair.” He couldn’t help but roll me over and return the favor. We both broke out laughing and shared a small innocent kiss.
Of course this was our favorite spot. We met here in this small park by the river a little over a year ago. He threw a snowball at my butt; he told me it was his way of saying hello. Of course I fell for his cute boyish charms and we were dating in no time, and soon I hoped I was going to be Mrs. Kasha Dawn Moreno. I was the envy of all my friends, he was cute and he was sweet. Everyone told me how lucky I was to find such a catch and I couldn’t have agreed more.
Lucas helped me back up and led me to the spot under the bridge where we shared our very first kiss. He was smiling from ear to ear, and I couldn’t help but notice him fiddling with something in the pocket of his ridiculous orange jacket. Taking my hands in his he brought me closer to him as we shared another kiss.
“You know I love you right?” His emerald green eyes gazed intently into my mine as he squeezed my hands gently. I shook my head yes; I could feel my heart leap into my throat as he bent down on one knee. “Kasha Dawn Caulston will you give me the honor and make me the happiest man on earth and marry me?” He reached down into his orange jacket pocket and opened a small velvet box that contained a beautiful diamond engagement ring.
“Yes Lucas, I’ll marry you.” I jumped on top of him not caring that we would end up freezing cold and pressed my lips on top of his. He embraced me as we rolled in the snow till we couldn’t feel our bodies anymore. Shivering I watched as Lucas took his orange jacket off and draped t across my shoulders. Grateful for the extra warmth he wrapped an arm around me as we walked towards the car. In that moment my life was perfect and nothing else mattered to me.
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
------------
This spot holds so much more than happy memories; it also holds the one memory I can’t seem to escape no matter how much I try to run from it. It haunts every waking moment; every single dream is turned into the real nightmare I lived. I swallow hard as I crawl to the edge of the glossy river. My reflection stares back at me as a nearby street light above glistens on the ice.
Mascara has run down my cheeks from my sky blue eyes. My redish brown hair is stuck under a small wool cap and my smile has vanished into a never ending frown. Lucas’ orange jacket was the only colorful thing I ever wore. I’m not the girl I used to be. Time has a way of changing things, transforming people places and things from the way they were in the beginning. Its evil twisted ways have changed me for the worst. I blame myself for everything that’s happened. It was my entire fault he came out this way that fateful night.
Placing my hand over my reflection I press hard causing spider like cracks beneath it. Shaking my head in acknowledgement I know now that the ice won’t hold my weight. I want to do this; no I need to do this. It’s the only way I can forget him and the only way I can be with him. I sniffle as I look up at the never ending sky and wonder what it would be like to fly above the stars.
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
------------
“Lucas?” I call out to him from our small kitchen. It was pretty nice for being in an older apartment; it had lovely chestnut cabinets and brand new stainless steel appliances in it. The flooring may be laminate, but it did look like real stone instead of fake.
“Yeah?” He pokes his head through the archway with his eyebrows raised.
“Can you do me a favor? I need some milk to finish up dinner, and I know that gas station just past the bridge is still open.” I turned to face him as I placed the spatula down on the granite counter top. He sighed and playfully rolled his eyes.
“Of course I can babe.” He came into the kitchen grabbing the keys and his orange jacket off of the hooks he leaned down and kissed me on the lips. “I Love you, I’ll be back in a few okay.” Smacking his butt with the spatula I went back to stirring dinner. Thunder boomed outside and soon rain pelted the windows as lighting danced across the sky.
“Be careful Lucas. Love you!” The door clicked shut behind him and I turned off the stove. No use in letting the dinner overcook while I waited for him to come back.
Minutes turned into an hour and I began to worry as the storm outside grew. The power flickered and I cussed under my breath. My heart raced as I began to pace by the phone hoping that he will call and let me know why he wasn’t home yet. Another hour went by and my heart raced on as if it were in a marathon. Lights pierced through the window and I rushed out the door, but I wasn’t greeted by Lucas. Instead I was greeted by two police officers.
Rain pelted their hats and suits; their faces were oddly grim. I stopped dead in my tracks as they met me half way. My hair stuck to the sides of my oval face as I gazed hopefully at the two lanky men.
“I’m Officer Stewart and this is Officer Silvas. Are you Kasha Caulston?” This wasn’t good and they knew I knew it. I shook my head yes as my heart jumped up into my throat. Officer Stewart took off his hat as he lightly placed his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry miss, but I’ve got some bad news for you, but your fiancé has been…” I broke. I knew what he was going to say, and I didn’t want to hear it.
I collapsed onto the wet asphalt of the parking lot and cried. Officer Silvas bent down and helped me back up. “I’m so very sorry for your loss miss.” My heart broke into a million pieces and all I wanted to do was go back inside. “We need you to come in and identify his body. I know it’s a lot to ask, but it needs to be done so the preparations can begin.” He truly did sound remorseful and I let them guide me to their car.
On the way there I couldn’t help but ask what happened. On his way back from the gas station another car had swerved into his lane causing him to go off the side of the bridge and crash into the river. They said that the doctors think the impact with the water and the way the seat belt was broke his neck and he died instantly. I kept telling myself that I fell asleep in the chair by the window and that I would wake up from this hellish nightmare and everything would be okay, but it wasn’t okay.
When we arrived at the morgue I stood by a body with a sheet lightly draped over it, and I could see the faintness of orange beneath that sheet. When they reviled his face the sound of me slowly dying inside escaped my lips. Sensing that i wanted to be alone they left me so I could say my final good-byes.
I took his cold stiff hand in mine as I gazed upon what once was my whole life. His lips were blue and there were a few scratches on his face but he looked oddly peaceful. I lightly leaned over and kissed the top of his head as I let a single tear slide down my cheek and onto his ice cold skin.
“I’ll never be whole again.” I whispered into the dead space. “I’ll never forget you, and I’ll love you always and forever."
I couldn’t help but ask that I could keep that silly orange jacket of his when they were done prepping the body for burial. It was the only thing that he wore the most, and I needed it more than ever.
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
------------
Now as I look upon all the things that I have ever lived for he was the most important thing in my life. He was gone, and he took my soul with him. I was a walking shell of nothing, and now on what would have been our two year anniversary I plan on joining him. I slid off the orange jacket of his and lightly kissed it as if not only saying good-bye, but also saying hello once again. I placed a small note which I made to no one in particular in the pocket knowing that this jacket will be found as soon as I am. Maybe it was my confession and maybe it really was just a plain old suicide note. I pulled it out and fingered it gingerly as I opened it just to double check that it was perfect:
To Whom It May Concern,
My name is Kasha Dawn Caulston. I can’t take the things that torment my every waking minute alive. I can’t say I even feel alive anymore and all I want is to be with him again. I will take my life in the same spot where his was taken so I can be with him once again. I don’t expect for anyone to understand, but I’ve lost the only thing in my life I have ever cared about. I love you mom, I love you dad please just don’t blame yourselves. Take this orange jacket and always remember me when I was happier. No longer will you have to watch me fall.
Kasha-
Sucking in the cold winter air I slipped the note back into the pocket and made my way to the very edge of the river once again. Stepping onto the ice I felt as it began to give the father I got until I got to the middle and it completely collapsed. Water rushed around me shoving me under the icy sheet. At first it felt like a million knives were being pushed into my skin and oddly it became a peaceful sensation. I closed my eyes welcoming deaths embrace and the hopes that Lucas’ will be waiting for me on the other side. I felt the urge to breath grow and I gladly said my last words to myself. “I will find you again.” I saw as Lucas reached for me in his silly orange jacket and suddenly I was surrounded by pure white snow and once again I was in his arms again but this time it was for forever.