I lie in my bed tears still streaming down my eyes. Staring at the picture in my hands. Why, Why, Why? This is horrible. I think to myself when waves of confusion roll throughout my mind. Wiping away my tears I look through the small barred window in my completely white room. Everyone has been telling me that my boyfriend Brian was murdered in cold blood a few weeks ago. Apparently I found his body cut up into little pieces all over his bathroom floor which caused me to lose my marbles and I ended up getting put in this nut house called Milton’s Behavioral Health Center. The thing is I don’t remember ever finding his body, I don’t even remember my melt down. All I know is that I woke up one day strapped to this stupid little bed in this cramped and musty smelling room. Sighing I take in a deep breath wishing I could remember everything. The doctors say that I have mentally blocked out the memory because it was so traumatic, and one day it will resurface if I ‘try’ hard enough to remember. Biting my lip I clutch his picture to my chest willing and hoping for the memory to resurface. Most of all I want to prove to myself that what they are telling me are lies and that he’ll come running in here to save me and tell them I’m not crazy. If it’s true that he really is dead and I do see this memory I know I'll wish I never relived such horror. Closing my eyes I lay back as flashes of a dream cloud my thoughts and mind and soon I am out cold as ice.
******
The sun is shining brightly in the deep blue sky, there’s not a cloud in sight. Brian and I are running hand in hand through a beautiful field of flowers. We’re laughing as he whisks me up into a hug and passionately kisses me.
“I love you Casey, with all my heart. I never wanted to leave you.”
Confusion turns my smile into a frown. “I love you too Brian, but what are you talking about you’re here with me right now? You haven’t left me.”
Sadness grows across his rigid face and he places his hand on the side of my cheek kissing me one last time. The sky grows dark and clouds roll in throughout the valley suddenly I’m yanked from his arms, and I begin to scream for him to come and save me from this unseen force. Walls begin to fall around me when I realize I’m in Brian’s living room. The door creaks open and the memory comes back to me with such force I’m seeing it through the eyes of my dream self.
The scent of wild roses, burnt food and blood fill my lungs as I step into Brian’s apartment. Reaching over I flick on the lights half expecting Brian to jump out and scare the crap out of me, but instead I’m greeted to utter chaos. Hamburger and noodles are burning on the stove and the smoke billows up angrily licking at the cherry wood cabinets. My first thoughts were that he must have cut his finger open and that’s why I smell blood in the damp air, but that was until I saw his living room. Glass and water are strewn across the glossy hardwood floor along with the red wild roses. His leather couch is tipped over and the small chairs, lamps, and end tables lay scattered across the room. Stepping forward I hear a squishing sound under my feet. Looking down I see my white converse high tops turn a deadly crimson red. Clamping my hands over my mouth I see his Persian rug is soaked in blood. Unable to help myself I follow little drips of blood to his bedroom door. Lightly pushing it open I choke back a scream when I see his bedroom in total disarray. Blood stains the beige bed spread and the plush white carpet. It’s been spattered across the creamy brown walls there’s even a few bloody handprints by the bathroom door. A picture of Brian and I lay by the turned over oak dresser it’s glass is cracked and there’s a few bloody fingerprints by my smiling face. Carefully avoiding the stains I slowly move around the corner of the bed. Seeing into the bathroom horror spreads throughout my body causing my knees buckle out from underneath me as I let out a blood curdling scream. The bathroom is drenched from the walls to the floor in blood, but worst of all I know it’s Brian’s because pieces of him lay all over the tiled floor. Hot tears spring to my eyes as I scream in agony I think I hear running out in the living room but I’m not sure because my mind is to focused on the fact that his head lay twenty feet in front of me.
*****
My eyes snap open and my heart is beating so erratically I’m afraid it’s going to pound right out of my chest. Tears spill down my cheeks and I begin to sob loud and hard. They weren’t lying to me! They were telling the truth he really was murdered and I did find his body. Wrapping my arms around my legs I bring them close to my chest so I can rock back in forth as I try to get a hold of myself. Taking in deep breaths my heart and breathing return to normal and my tears now silently fall onto my white jumpsuit. Finally I stop rocking back and forth as I stare at his smiling picture and for some reason I find that it is mocking me from my relentless breakdown. Grabbing the picture I crumple it up tossing it to the ground and a wave of longing and sorrow fill my body I place my head back on my knees feeling sorry for myself when I hear the door creak open. A frumpy nurse enters my room assuming she’s new because I can see the fear on her face.
“Casey my name is Holly. How are you today?”
I just sit there and stare at her as she nervously picks at the hem of her smock. “Uh the doctor will be in here shortly to talk with you. But I just wanted to check in on you.” Which both me and her know that she is being forced pretty much to stand there and wait for the doctor to come in. Seconds tick by when a plump lady wearing a long white coat finally enters joining us.
“Holly you may go.” Hearing Holly breathe a sigh of relief she rushes out of the room shutting the door behind her.
“Hello Casey.” She sits on the edge of my bed and I raise my eyebrows wondering why she’s not somehow freaked out by being near a nut case. Clearing her throat she speaks again.
“Casey I’m Doctor Nordstrom, but you may call me Michelle. I’ll be working with you from here on out.”
This wasn’t good, I didn’t like talking with new people and I had finally gotten used to talking to Doctor Strunham about my issues. And I was surely not going to open up to this annoying doctor by any means.
“Where’s Doctor Strunham?” I manage to squeak out.
“He’s been transferred, I’m sorry. I know you don’t like opening up with new people, but I bet if you give me a chance I’m really easy to talk to.”
Rolling my eyes I scoot closer to the corner of the wall trying to make a point that there was no way that was going to happen. She stands up adjusting her skirt and smiling lightly. “Though the police would like to speak with you again is that all right?”
“Whatever.” I say as I look towards the crumpled up picture on the floor. Turning on her heels she opens the door motioning for them to come in. Two tall brawny officers stride into the room eyeballing me suspiciously.
“What?” I snap at them as I glare through the slits of my eyes. “I’ve told you guys already what I know. Nothing has changed I don’t remember anything.” I lie.
“I’m Officer Miles and this is Officer Cook, and we aren’t here to question you anymore on what you know.” Officer Cook is a bit on the round side, something tells me he hits the doughnut box more than the gym, and Officer Miles well he just seems like he has a stick up his butt.
Raising my eyebrow I gawk at them. “Okay than what are you and Officer Doughnut doing here than?” I’m not in the mood to hear them rant to me about anything let alone talk with them at all. The only thing on my mind is curling up in a ball on this tiny bed and trying to forget the horrific memory. Seeing them glance at each other and shift uneasily Officer Doughnut decides to pipe in.
“We have some suspects on your boyfriend’s murder.”
Yawning I lay back into the corner and stare at them. “And why are you telling me this?” I say making sure I let the annoyance in my voice come through.
“We have three, and you Miss Casey Lufkin are one of them.”
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